Torment, the trap of chronic complaints in a couple

Claims are as common as agreements and affinities. I dare say they are used by all couples, even those who pride themselves on being healthy. Some claims are notorious, others move by hidden formation handling networks; the others are solved in inner worldscattering in pain or increase i will.

Complaints blame the otherbecause he didn’t do what he was supposed to or didn’t take the expected responsibility. Through this mechanism of complaining, demanding an explanation for omissions from the other, couples lose what is most valuable: equity capital, parity (which gives the name of the union type) and are added to conflict. Pairs become unequal with each claim until it becomes a constant.

If claims were long ago the property of established couples, today it is a matter of course with applications from the first interviews. Infamous WhatsApp double accent is responsible for many of these requests, almost all of which are urgent.

The anxiety It creeps into every communication, its goal is not just to know about the other (“I want to know how you are”), it is to expect a response from the other that shows some degree of commitment (“We’re going out on the weekend, right? For those who he prays presence, interpretation of silenceof double accent, the hours that pass without response is synonymous apathy, abandonment, disinterest.

The sufferer’s mind begins to preoccupy with multiple possible scenarios: “he’s not interested in me, he’s with someone else, he doesn’t have time for me,” until we get to the classics. diagnosis (today it is so easily diagnosed): “It is a narcissisticit is a hystericallyit is a terribleetc”.

It is clear that this beginning does not bode well, at least as far as it goes i respect personal times. In general, the complainant has a concept of relationships based on dependencein “sticking” for which the other must give assurance to appease separation anxietyeven if they just met.

This is called a a state of restlessness, restlessnesswhich can happen panic attacks and thoughts of doom and worthlessnesswhen the other shows behavior interpreted as lack of interest or lack of attention.

Separation anxiety is constant in subjects with the traits emotional dependence or social anxiety. There is evidence that women They are more affected by this type of anxiety and it goes back to childhood experiences, such as overprotective parents and affection providers, always influenced by control.

Instead, men People with separation anxiety usually have high levels of social anxiety and social phobias (feelings of inferiority, fear of external criticism, comparing themselves to other people with social skills, etc.).

People affected by this type of anxiety feel discomfort when the other person does not give them safety, presence and affectionor they feel that the prophecy that he will be the worst candidate, the unwanted, has been fulfilled.

When the demand for the second becomes chronic, we are talking about annoying (persistent, insistent, grumpy), that is, an unequal relationship in which one asks, reproaches, insists) and the other listens. Many relationships have this uniting model, sometimes internalized, no doubt, like many everyday behaviors (“take the kids to school and tell the teacher not to be so hard on our son”); In others, the harmful effect is denied and accepted as more acceptable: “Because I am absent in spirit, it makes me remember what to do.” This daily routine gnawing creates a a vicious circle of lack of communication. If others rebel, that will be enough information to victimize the person making the complaint (“You’re angry because I’m telling you the truth, it’s for your own good”).

Claims are the cause of relationship conflicts and arise from the beginning of the relationship. Their early detection prevents them from growing and settling:

• A bond is a union of at least two people, each with their own history and way of being, so this difference generates adaptive changes until the couple “fits” in the style of union. Under no circumstances should they be allowed to determine the model a tough relationship.
• Party autonomy is the rule; While every bond requires an emotional commitment and time to be together, it doesn’t have to be the result of entitlement by any means; the desire for it must be a priority.
• We should not accept, let alone naturalize, assumptions about behavior.insistence or reproach, except when conveyed through some form of violence.

• Learn to recognize manipulative behavior through seemingly innocent expressions or behavior.
• Doubt “As You Wish”because then comes the reproach: “You told me to choose a place to eat… And now you’re telling me it wasn’t a good choice?”
• At the beginning of a relationship, demands for attention are a sign of future conflicts.
• We all need others, bonds enrich our lives, but In no case should you beg or insist on the other person’s presence.
• People with a history of separation anxiety, as well as the presence of social anxiety and phobias, should seek therapeutic help to treat the limitations that cause these symptoms.

*Dr. Walter Ghedin (MN 74 794) is a psychiatrist and sexologist